Stop Waiting

I've made a decision that has made my life infinitely better.

I've decided to stop waiting. For years I have always looked forward and said: “I’ll be happy when…”. Guess What? “When” never happened.

When the kids are older…, when I stop breastfeeding…, when life is perfect… I’ll do this, that and the other thing and I’ll be happy.

Well a good friend of mine told me “life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans”. And that is so true.

This hit me strongly when I got my diagnosis. I knew that I could get genetic testing, but I held out waiting for the right time. Waiting for the right time to make the decision ended up in the decision being made for me. This was a huge wake up call. So for the last year I have stopped waiting (well not so much all of last year as my brain was kind of fried as I went through chemo, gosh golly I could barely even pick up a book and read a sentence never mind have cohesive thoughts about my future. The most important thing I took hold of was my happiness. I chose to not depend on anyone or anything to be happy. Each day I wake up and put a smile on my face and embrace the amazingness of each moment. I am now choosing to look at each interaction I have with a calm reflection (well not always, I’m still human).  I have few expectations of others, other than that they be responsible for their own actions and emotions. I am not my brother’s keeper, or my partners, or my co-workers. I am the keeper of my children though, but I do not rule over their emotions. They must walk their journey and figure out life much as I did. What I can do is be the guide, and I can only be a guide to happiness if I live in happiness.

I am embracing all of my relationships and doing my part to maintain peace. To look less critically at others, and if I find I am being critical I turn the table back to myself and ask myself, “what is it about my own behavior that is so different that those I am being critical about”? Often enough with self-reflection I see that what I abhor in others I am coveting in myself. I am defending my right to behave in the same manner of which I am being critical of others.

Out of all of this I have learned that waiting for any external force to create my happiness is a waste of time. I wait no longer. I embrace my happiness and I embrace the part of me that accepts all around me. I hold no judgments. I am just letting be. I do not need to fix anyone or anything to maintain my own happiness. I just need to always hold the mirror up to myself and hope that I see my calm and happy self reflected in others .

Why Change?

It’s Not Easy Being Green

“When green is all there is to be
It could make you wonder why, but why wonder why
Wonder, I am green and it'll do fine, it's beautiful
And I think it's what I want to be”

ARTIST: Muppets
TITLE: It's Not Easy Being Green

I have sat before a number of people who have shared their thoughts on the person that is "me". These persons have included family, friends, employers, clients and strangers. Hmmm did I miss anyone. Then few weeks ago I attended a team building workshop. It was based on the personality tests of True Colors. I found it very insightful and comforting to say the least. I found out I was a green.

Learning about ourselves has to be a task that we take on because we begin to understand that how we are operating during this life time needs a bit of tweaking and for some of us A LOT of tweaking. The market of books to help us along the way is enormous. As a matter of fact I was informed of a website just yesterday that had an impressive list of books by everyone from Marcus Aurelius to Dale Carnegie. What I found most impressive was that of the 100 books listed as “The Tops 100 Personal Growth Books….ever” was that I own about 10 of them (some of which I am in various stages of reading and some are yet to be read, that’s the green in me). I also saw several I want to own and now have a plan to take some of my other books to the second hand book store to see if I can get some more of that list onto my own shelves, I kind of feel like if I just own them I’ll be “better”.

And that brings me to the question of: What “better” do I have to achieve, and for what reason? Well I guess everyone has their own version how they thinking becoming “better” will make life better. But in the end we all end up with some form or another of our “best 100 books”. And eventually this plethora of books/information all have a common theme, they are all navigational tools on how to achieve happiness!

My bookshelf list includes books that focus on being well in both mind and body. I began this journey of “being better” probably 13 years ago as a young(ish) mother of 2 small boys and married to their father. I had jumped into this life with such ignorance with most of my life’s rules of engagement being fairly self-focused. Little did I know what inserting myself into my husband’s family would be like or what becoming a mother would do for my soul. As a chameleon I tended to take on the life that was around me, absorbing the energy/style of others. I thought: if I just walked their road I would be happy, and if I do what they want me to do, I’ll be happy. No wonder I became such an Amway nerd (nothing wrong with Amway folks…I just became a bit obsessed). The same happened with my new found knowledge about birth. It did not become part of me, I became IT. IT shaped who I was. To a point that I became…annoying. Feeling very much frazzled and coming undone I took the advice of two people, my sister and a birth colleague. My sister gave the book The Way of the Peaceful Warrior (Dan Millman does make the 100 best books list BTW) and my colleague, Gail, lead me to SHEN therapy. For these two things I am forever grateful. Looking at oneself in the mirror and realizing that not taking control and just going with the flow isn’t working anymore is tough to do. Living a life based on choices made from not having control is not the easiest thing to change, especially when others are involved in living with that change. They effected and sometimes taken out of their comfort zone too.

As I began to embrace this knowledge about personal growth, I began to learn how to not only reflect inwards, but to see outside myself. I began to consciously guide myself towards happiness. I began this journey by observing how I was affecting others and in turn observe how it made me feel about myself. I eventually came to realize that emotional discipline was the real road to inner peace and happiness. I realized that just hoping for something would not make it be. If I wanted something to be, I had to make it happen. If I wanted a calm happy life, I had to be calm and happy. And not just as a mask, I had to practice it all the time. And years later I can say that I've come to a place where it is easier to “flick the switch” when I find myself displaying old behavior patterns.

Having your “Ah Ha” moment is a moment in life one never forgets. It’s a moment when everything that you are and everything that you want to be melds together and you can clearly see your life. I’ll never forget mine. It is also that moment when you know that you need to live in the moment and choose happiness in the moment. What I'm learning from the books is how to BE in that moment and how not to let old behavior patterns that lead to stressful emotions take control. Those old behavior patterns are so comforting at times, allowing ourselves to fall back into the behaviors that lead us to that bookshelf of personal growth in the first place. I have learned that we have to be consciously aware of our thoughts all the time (without being know-it-alls) until we are “unconsciously competent”. And in all this personal growth, the challenge is to not lose the person we are, but learn what it is honor the person that we are becoming. And too stop berating ourselves for not being perfect, and to accept others for their non-perfection as well (AKA: accepting the differences of all the colors).

During this journey we have to leave elements that keep us unbalanced behind. For some it might be leaving a relationship, or forcing a child to be independent or just plain getting a backbone for the first time in life. It can also be about stepping up to the plate and taking on more responsibility; as in working more for a stable financial future or embracing working less and living more frugal so as to be with family. There is no right or wrong, there is just that gut feeling you get when everything falls into place and an inner peace creeps in and you know you’ve made the right choice.

So what does being green have to do with all this personal growth crap? Well for me it is one more map to understanding myself. And learning I was a green helps me to understand a number of things, mainly how to relate to the other colors (See We should all have a little Asperger’s). To learn to listen effectively what others how to say and how they are saying it. To learn how to communicate my needs and expectations in a manner that clear and concise gives me the power to get what I need. And if I have what I need then I am happy.

Isn’t that what we all want, happiness? I have found that by being true to myself and true to others that I find that I am most stable, and in stability I find happiness. My mind is stable, my soul is calm and with that so is my family. And that makes me happy. Is life perfect? Hell no, but life always needs tweaking. And when I can, I’ll open up the book nearest to me and read a bit to again strengthen my resolve to live a happy green life.



We Should All Have A Little Aspergers

"God will never give more than you can handle"                     

My response: "Easier said than done".

But I totally agree. Pretty much everyone has all the emotional tools to handle what is on their plate. Now there are some issues that land on our plate that we have not purposely taken on, for example the person with a physical, mental or emotional disability from no untoward action of their own. For the most part we are all responsible for what is on that plate.  So allow me that generalization for the most part.

This whole process of thinking has come from many years of "being busy". Many people that find out I have five kids state"Oh you have 5 children, you must be busy". Ummmm... yeah, if I'm not being a neglectful mother, I am busy. Yes I am". Life is as busy as we make it.

The title of this blog has to do with one more thing that has landed on my plate and has me on the path of discovery. My son was recently diagnosed with Aspergers. He is 15 and I have known for some time that we were dealing with something atypical about him that was impacting his ability to make friends. For 10 years I have "been busy" with assessments, appointments, counsellors and doctors, reading and being a parent to this child. In this process I am learning not so much about my child, but about myself. I have learned that the person with Aspergers thinks in very concrete terms, but they usually have trouble with including the thoughts of others when socializing.

This got me thinking. How often I myself have not looked outside myself and my desires to consider the needs of others. And looking at life from this point of view is interesting. Mostly because I now have to teach my son how to further develop his social skills. Teach him so he can interact positively within his social environment, because being "different" when you are a teen can have some negative outcomes. Here is the trick. How he sees himself in his world is "just fine". He sees himself as a social being, fun loving, people think well of him, he is kind, generous, intelligent, honest to a fault, and he knows himself better than anyone else. And he doesn't second guess his actions, because he never has any malice or ill intent behind them. What he is innocent of is how his actions/comments may be viewed by others. But really...he doesn't care.  If you don't like him because he is not "cool" enough, then so be it. He knows he is not a jock and he is "cool" with that. 

All I can think of when I think about him is: we should all have a little Aspergers. I recently read "The Tao of Pooh" and I can not think of a more perfect "uncarved block" than my son. I am rejoicing that I can finally have a road map to understanding him. It is like being in the jungle and from out of the sky falls a map with a "You are Here" X on it and a compass.

I am thankful this has been put on my plate, not just that my son has autism, but it has placed more information in front of me that allows me to not only get to know my son from his point of view, but to learn more about myself. I'm continually learning to accept myself just as I am, and celebrating that I'm "just fine". To live with no malice towards another and to strive to be an "uncarved block" will help me to deal with the plateful that is my life.

So my son. Thank you. Thank you for being who you are and letting me walk this path with you. We're going to have a great life.



Today is the First Day of the Rest of My Life

I have for the past year been on life's roller coaster. I have accepted all that has come and gone with as much "chutzpah" as I possibly could manage. Coming out the other side of cancer is not the best way to come to some life realization, and I can honestly say my life realizations came long before the day I found a lump.

The funny thing about life is that is keeps on happening. And each day something happens that makes you realize that once again you have to make a choice, to go forward and be better, or to fall back and let life roll over you. Each day some of us recognize the persistent wake up calls.

I got another of those wake up calls last Friday. It was my internist Dr. Phillip Malpass. This dedicated man called me at 4 pm on a Friday afternoon to discuss my bone density scan. Um...usually no news is good news and getting a call from "Phil" is usually a discussion that resembles the morning alarm clock.

Now over the last year I have had to Google many things and this phenomenon doesn't seem to be letting up. So as I sat with my ear to the phone and listened to a description of how the chemo has effected my bones and how the drug I'm on now will increase bone density...blah blah blah. By the end of the conversation I made choices about my health care and the results of the bone density that both he and I agreed were for the best and a notation on my chart that I would see him in two years. Well i don't know about him, but I was left with more concern after than before. I'm sitting here at 47 years old, tossed into menopause and I have a bone density of -3.35. Not good. I turned to Google.

And this is what I learned:

So what was my results again...-3.35. As you can see anything lower than -2.50 is not good. Can you hear the alarm ringing from where you sit? All weekend I digested what was said to me. Realizing that my life choices have had me arriving at this moment, and not just at this moment, but the next moment right after this one. And it went on like this all weekend.

I had other parts of the conversation going through my head as I took this revelation on. Of course the chemo was intensive, and it shut down my ovaries and now I had less estrogen so that makes my bones lose mineralization. That the feeling of being in discomfort all the time (I feel for those with fibromyalgia) is part and parcel due to the last year of cancer treatment. But one thing kept nagging at me. That as busy a women as I am, exercise has not been a big part of my life. I'm curvy and soft. I can and at times do enjoy exercise, but it always falls by the wayside when life gets busy.

This has resulted in the low in bone density. Life catches up with.

So...to the point of this whole babbling blog.

I'm running. Well "I ran" is more like it. I have a great pair of shoes bought a long time ago and a trail behind my house. Today was the first day of a 13 week running program I am adopting. It starts slow and gains momentum over the 13 weeks resulting in a 10 K run.

Having a program will help me stay on tract. It will help guide me to what I have to do and all I have to do is follow it (Just like when I did P90X). I want to kick butt this summer.

Exercise is no longer about a lower number on the scale, or less jiggle on my thighs. It is all about getting that bone density number up. I want to ski next year, but broken bones from a light tumble is not on my menu. So I'm running.

This is the place where I'll chart my progress.  September 19th, 2011 is 13 weeks from now.

This is me today:





Thanks for joining me. Come back soon now ya hear.

Pssssssst....can I tell you a secret?

I'm having an affair....

Oh...did that catch your attention?

Good. Because that is what I intended.
It's true.

Now for many, jealousy enters when their loved one begins to pay attention to another. Attention that brings their partner joy that they themselves can not create. They feel left out, and spurned. The type of affair I'm involved in has been the down fall of many relationships.

But my affair is not with flesh and blood. It is with a more powerful force.

I'm having an affair with my computer.

My computer is my friend. It gives me joy. Why? Well I guess it began long ago when when the children where young (very young, as in I would go days without hearing one intelligent word all day until my husband came home and said "hello").

My computer was my lifeline to the outside world of adults. I could chat with people that had the same interests as me. I could post on the iVillage discussion board and get real responses from real people. And I did not have to let them see the chaos swirling around me as I tried to maintain order in a home that had toddlers. I could sit back and relax be a "grown up".

Now I'll make it clear now that I did have "real" people in my life. But that happened in the way of a moms' group. Where we gathered with our children and discussed motherly things. And I loved it. I was a mother and for near 16 years I've embraced all that has came with motherhood. I embraced the shirt that was constantly lifted by a nursing toddler, or the numerous accidents that occurred during potty training and all the while knowing I had a diaper pail about to explode, and the last 3 baskets of laundry haven't been folded, right up to buying acne products for my teens and trying to explain why too much X-box will rot their brain.

I love it all. But I loved the time when I was not a mom. I love being just me, a female, the female that I remember before motherhood.

My computer allowed me to find the grown up world that existed outside of motherhood. It allowed me to be "me". To joke and tease and flirt.

How does one begin to explain this relationship to a partner that does not partake in such a venue of socialization. Where you delve into a world that is foreign to them. Like going to a pub that they have never been to and they don't understand the language.

I know the on-line world I live in is not completely understood. This love affair I have with the world wide web is more than I ever expected. This highway to a world of socializing and learning and communicating. Who could not love it.

I've made my mistakes and trusted, when I should have been cautious. But we all learn in the way we need to. Now I laugh at the things I fell prey to, and I enjoy myself (maybe a bit too much ;)). But over all, I've had fun and I'll continue to have fun.

First and foremost though is to make sure that reality stays real and that the dive into the "virtual life" stays there. Nothing can replace life, but just as I do not play Wednesday night hockey or watch sports on TV and get all pumped up, I hope that my choice of entertainment is accepted.

So pass the beer hunny while you snuggle up to a night of hockey, I'm just gonna check out Talk City and go hang with my buddies at ~The Penthouse~.