Evolution or Revolution?

My brain has been on hiatus. The ability to write anything down fluidly had up and left me for some time now. The funny thing is that the words are still in my head. I must have written a thousand blog posts since the last time I hit the "publish" button. But they are all in my head and they can't get out.

There have been so many things I feel I am evolving from. I'm evolving into a post cancer survivor, I'm evolving into a mother of teenagers, I'm evolving into a student (again). And in all this evolving I'm finding that I still exist as the same person. The caterpillar that evolves and becomes the butterfly is the same, the genetics are the same, the body is the same in many ways. The internal organs that pump its life force are unchanged. Only the external appearance makes us believe that it is a completely different being.

I am no longer a mother to toddlers, but yet I am! Once upon a time I was, and I think that time being relative, I still am, as the care and needs of these now largish children are the same, only their needs have evolved. The still require groceries to be bought, they still require direction into understanding right and wrong, they still need rides to play dates (even if their size 13 feet are quite capable of getting them there). And they still need protection from the world...and from themselves.

As I watch my family grow I find myself busier and busier with the cerebral gymnastics that are required in order to be present to each and every child in their current mind frame. I find that *I* end up getting lost. My own requirements are left untended. My own thoughts become fleeting as I am pulled from one child's needs to another's. All the while keeping every snip of wisdom regarding love and patience and understanding front and foremost when what I really want to do is scream! I want to toss my hands in the air and tell everyone to "figure it out for yourself". Which is what I end up doing without the screaming part. You see this is because I always have in the forefront of my mind is that it is my job to help these children to evolve. They need to figure it out for themselves. And as I evolve I learn to step back as I once did when these same children took their first steps, trusting that they will learn how to walk. That trust does not change.

They are evolving. And so am I. And they are staying the same. And so am I.

Evolving from cancer is much the same as that caterpillar. I once was something and now I am something else. Emotionally folding in on myself, emerging as the same being, only different. Learning to embrace that whole new sense of normal. Embracing the fact that I am no longer the girl who didn't have cancer, but as the girl who "survived" cancer. As the butterfly has its wings I have my diagnosis. This diagnosis gives me the wings to know that life is precious. In the three years it has taken me to get to this place, this moment, on the journey's path, I know that every moment was necessary. This process of evolving could be rushed, forced, pushed. Just as the butterfly who's ability to fly is dependent on its struggle to emerge from its cocoon, so is it important that my journey be what it has been. The day comes not as a sudden switch of the light, but from a gradual process where by the light of the sun pushes back the dark. Evolution into the person who looks back at me in the mirror each day has been just as gradual. The sun has risen and is drying out my new wings so that I might now engage in the life before me as I celebrate my evolution into my new normal.

And what a normal it is!

After enduring the struggle of becoming what I am in all ways (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual) I am ready to fly. Revolving myself back into a student and pushing forward to my goals of furthering my nursing education (the sky is the limit), revolving myself back into the runner that put miles upon miles in her Nike all courts back in high school, my goal being to reach a level of strength that allows me to complete a half marathon, and evolving both emotionally and spiritually into the woman that I see in the mirror.

I'm ready world. How about you?